PANIC!

It starts quickly and can easily escalate at an alarming speed. It is the pull of air out of my lungs, the feeling of being suffocated, of not able to breathe on my own. My eyes get blurry, my thoughts become scattered, I suffer a complete loss of clarity about the situation. My heart beats rapidly, wildly, and unrestrained. My palms get sweaty, and the fear is constantly there, the fear that I will not survive, I will not be free, I will not recover.

I am a person who suffers from panic attacks. I had one last Wednesday in the back of my parent's minivan. I was sitting in the third row, rather cramped quarters on a good day, but after an seemingly endless ride, with only a long narrow tree lined highway ahead of us, I began to feel the pressure building. It started in my feet, as it usually does, and soon I was shifting and trying to re-situate myself to get more leg room. I felt trapped. Then it was as if the roof (it is a low roof, but I am short, so I wasn't really in danger of being hit on the head by the roof) seemed to be closing in on the top of my head. I found myself unable to breathe properly, feeling closed in on all sides and about to be suffocated while everyone else in the van seemed to be having a wonderful ride. It is a terrifying experience. No logic can talk me down when an instance like this occurs. All I could do was will myself to keep breathing and take it breath by breath until I was able to get out of the van.

I have known that I was accustomed to having these attacks. I can't control them so I try and control the situations I am in that I know trigger them. Sometimes this keeps me from doing things, and sometimes, like last week, when I knew I was in danger of having an attack by sitting on that last row, I try to fool myself into thinking I can conquer them.

Today, after a morning of housework, I treated myself to a lunch in front of the television and interestingly enough, I came upon a program entitled Panic! about panic attacks, what causes them and people were profiled who, like me, suffer from them. It was an amazing hour for me.

It started me thinking about situations in my life and I came to realize that I have had panic attacks all my life. I can't remember the first one, although there are some very vivid ones that spring to my mind.

Now...here is how crazy this is for me...I just spent a few minutes trying to type out several situations from my past that I know were clearly panic attacks and I started experiencing some shortness of breath and began to feel panicky! I had to stop writing them out...now, that was weird!

Anyway, I write this to say that I suffer from this, and if I do, then I am sure there are others who do as well. If you or someone you know does, I would love to have a conversation with you about how the panic attacks are handled in your world. Any tips or hints or helps would be greatly appreciated. Thinking back on the last year or two of my life today has revealed to me that my panic attacks are happening at a much more frequent rate. I could use some encouragement on the subject...anyone?

Living Happily in the Moment!
Bev

The Space That Laughter Left

Did you ever lose a friend? I have, or at least it feels that way to my battered psyche! This came to me today on the year mark of the last time I spent any real time with one of mine who, through this year, has shuffled away from my daily life.

I miss you, my friend. I've told you so many times and I have cried for you, prayed for you and will continue to do so until you have come back to sit and share and laugh with me once again.

Thank you blogitty readers for indulging me in this bit of sentimental rendering.


The Space That Laughter Left

I've looked for you in memories and old photographs, behind the lies of your truths and on this side of yesterday.

My search has produced someone that looks like you, talks like you and walks like you and even laughs like you. But it is not you, at least not the you I know

or knew

or thought I knew.

Do you mark the days on a calendar? If you do, you will know how many have come and gone, since the last time we laughed together. When leaving, you saw my tears and begged them not to fall, did you know? Did you plan

anticipate
manipulate
make sure

Or did life happen,

drove a wedge
built a wall
created a chasm
too high to cross

even if you wanted to

even if you always planned to

Today I look at life so differently, what I have and what has been lost and I can easily find the happiness in my world, but there will always be.........

a void
a space the shape of laughter

where you
and me
and fun
used to live

Always a spot
reserved for
my partner in crime
my secret keeper

My friend
MY friend
My FRIEND
No matter where you go.

Or how long it takes you to come back.




Living Happily in the Moment!
Bev

A Hot Week in June and Various Other Tales...

So, where have you been???

This past week me, my parental unit and my daughter took a quick, impromptu trip to my home state. The home state that happens to be the home state of some really famous people like Elvis Presley, William Faulkner and the Queen of Daytime Television.....Oprah!

Aside from the other "chores" that needed to be attended to on this quick trip, my mother and I decided that after all these years we needed to make the trek to Oprah's old stomping grounds and if nothing else, obtain some photographs for the scrapbook!! Plus, I am sure at some point in Hannah's school career a picture of her at Oprah's childhood church, where she used to recite scripture and poetry, will come in handy for show and tell or a history project of some sort!
It turned out to be a not so fun trip...and that is a tale for another day...but we did get to visit Oprah's road and childhood church !

Also on this trip, I introduced Hannah to one of the joys of country life, picking blueberries! We spent all Thursday morning in the hot June sun picking tons of the most luscious blueberries from two big, gorgeous blueberry bushes. We repeated the ritual later in the evening at yet another beauty of a blueberry bush! All of this meant that I got to spend today putting the sweet berries into quart bags and freezing them for the future...it was a task well worth the effort and there is a blueberry pie sitting on the sideboard right now that is just waiting for me to finish this post and share it with my family!And speaking of family...can I just say that is was an awesome feeling yesterday to arrive home and then only a few short minutes later be greeted by my wonderfully sweet and handsome hubby! He said he missed his girls -- but there is no way he missed us more than we missed him! It may have taken me 18 years and a lot of trials and tears, but I have finally learned where my home is, and it is here, with him in our little house that love built!

It is good to be home and back to the routine...I promise a regular posting schedule will resume this week. I have often said here that this is my therapy, and after a few weeks away from regular "therapy", I am in desperate need of plunging back into it on a steady basis once again!

Living Happily in the Moment!
Beverly

The High Cost of Air Conditioning

Hannah is having a wonderful time "dressing" Georgia. Thankfully, Georgia is a really good sport! I guess it must have been really miserable outside, cause she puts up with A LOT for the luxury of air conditioning and the life of an inside dog!!

Living Happily in the Moment!
Bev

Sharing The Good Stuff!

I have a new recipe to share...I know..it has been AGES since I have done this.

Here it is...it is yummy good and quick and easy (if you take the shortcuts!!)

Wagon Wheel Mexican Chicken (yeah...I made that name up!Cute aren't I?)

Ingredients:
2 packages crescent rolls
2 cups cooked, diced chicken (I bought mine in the deli section - Southwestern Seasoned!!)
1 can corn (drained)
1 can petite diced tomatoes (drained)
1 small can of green chilles
1 pkg taco seasoning
1 1/2 cup cheddar cheese grated
about 1 cup crushed tortilla chips (I used original flavor Doritos)

Directions:
1.Preheat oven to 375
2. Place chicken, corn, tomatoes, chilles, taco seasoning and 1 cup of the cheese and 1/2 cup of the crushed chips in a bowl and mix together.
3. On a baking stone or large cookie sheet (sprayed with cooking spray) arrange the crescent rolls with the widest part in the center, overlapping each other, points outward, leaving approximately a five inch diameter hole in the center.
4. Spread the chicken mixture on the widest parts of the crescent rolls, folding the points inward and tucked under the wide end.
5. Sprinkle the remaining crushed chips and cheese over the top.
6. Bake for 20-25 minutes until golden brown.

It is yummy...would probably be good if you substituted ground beef for the chicken also.

Here is a picture of mine...right before we demolished it!

And Now For The Really BIG News...

Someone in my house will be getting her first visit from the Tooth Fairy tonight!

Extreme Makeover

Okay...

While it may not be an EXTREME makeover per say...it is a bit of an update. My options have increased in the design portion of my blog carrier...so I am experimenting a little with the overall color scheme and layout of the blog. Hope you will have patience with me as I am adjusting and considering new designs...

Stay tuned!!!

Rockin the Night Away!

"So, what did you do last night? Really?!? Oh, how wonderful for you...too bad you weren't with me, doing what I was doing. Cause I was here!!"
Watching this...

And this...
I know...try not to be so jealous...green is not a good color for you!!

Tickets..$40, New Outfit..$50, New "tiny" camera...$100...seeing Daughtry in concert...PRICELESS!!!!!!!

Had a blast, got home late, hardly slept and now it is morning...but at least I have the pictures of last night to get me through until the coffee perks!

Living Happily in the Morning!
Bev

Adding On

Our house has grown by four feet.

No, we didn't add on a closet, although, that might be a good idea. We didn't put an awning up over the deck to shield out the sunshine...but we did bring our outside dog Georgia inside to live with us!

We needed and have wanted a pet indoors for awhile now and my girl wanted a playmate and truthfully, it was either do that or go and get a cat . She really wanted a cat, but the hubby really hates cats! I feared that a cat in the house would have had him moving out, and while the thought a few less loads of laundry might sound promising, life without him here would not be anywhere near fun! So on Saturday, I brought our sweet dog in for a bath, gave her a chewie and "outside for ten years" Georgia has suddenly become "Queen of the house, I am never going back out, thank goodness for air conditioning" Georgia!

It is an understatement to say she has adjusted quite well, in fact that the thought of her going outside for more than a potty break sends her into trembles and causes her to plant her feet on the carpet and look at us like we are crazy!!

It has been a long time since we had an inside dog. I have really missed the extra company, the quirkiness, the warmth, and the cheerful tail-wagging way greeting when we come home. It is so heartwarming...and my child...well, she is over the moon!

No, we didn't get a cute cuddly puppy, or a rambunctious kitten...her inside doggie is quite old and calm and doesn't really do much but sleep and wag her tail, but she is my daughter's constant companion and Hannah loves it! They eat breakfast together, watch tv together, take the occasional (well, for Hannah at least) nap together and every night, she follows Hannah to her bedroom, jumps on the foot of the bed and stays there all night with her.She is an ideal playmate for my girl and it makes my heart happy to see it.I didn't think these walls could hold anymore love,but they have...at least four feet more of it!

Living Happily in the Moment!
Bev

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

As I sit here in my home, gazing out the big picture window into my green as green can be backyard, I want so much to be where I was last week. This time last week I was gazing out a big picture window at the sea, waves rolling in only to crash on the sandy shore, sea birds squawking in the air and a peacefulness that can only come while sitting and watching the massive, rollicking sea.

I spent the mornings walking along the shore, mp3 player sending favorite tunes through my brain, trawling up memories and savoring every one all the while watching every step for that special shell treasure to pick up.

I spent time jumping the waves with my girl, hearing her squeal with loud peals of laughter, sinking into the shifting sand below our feet and feeling the sea spray on our faces as wave after wave crashed around us.

I spent time in a really cool red chair, reclining on the beach, sand in my toes, book in my hand, the smell of coconut oil from the suntan lotion lingering on my fingers and the soft hum of conversation happening a few feet away from me.

I spent time napping in the heat of the afternoon, cool sheets comforting my sun-touched skin, sleeping without a care and waking to a beautiful sunset outside my bedroom window.

I spent time playing games, watching television, cooking, conversing, rocking in white rockers on a screen porch, passing the hours away with family.

I spent time feeding sea birds with nuts and peanut butter cookies and odd pieces of white bread.

I spent time watching fish in man-made environments, learning about their habits and seeing my child come alive with knowledge and anticipation and awe of nature.

I spent time walking the beach at sunset, feeling the security of his hand in mine, knowing that eight years had passed since we found this piece of paradise and feeling so blessed to have been able to share it with our loved ones for these past years.

I spent time pushing my day to day world out of my mind. I packed away all the thoughts that have plagued me, the doubts, the hurts, the sadness that has threatened to tip me over on a daily basis, I put it all away. I rolled it all up like a proverbial message in a bottle and with the songs playing in my head and the memories churning in my mind, I shoved the cork down deep into the throat. I tossed it into the waves, I watched it bob up and down for a long while, and soon it was out of sight. Will it wash up on a distant shore of my future, will I open it back up and touch it all again, I don't know? All I know is that for now, the bottle is out of sight, the pain of my year is inside of it and for now I will enjoy my days and nights.

Living Happily in the Moment!
Bev