The Saturday Before Christmas

Well, it's the Saturday before Christmas and all through my house, the toddler is stirring, here and there with a shout.

The stockings are hung, the tree is made steady, Santa is coming, we want to be ready.

The toddler is playing, having fun in her room, with visions of car roads and baby dolls too.

I'm in my sweats, hubby is settled in. We are all just waiting for the festivities to begin.

Okay - a little poetic license with a wonderful old tale -- but I wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

I was driving around my town today - not really shopping, but picking up a few things here and there while the resident three year old was at the grands. As I drove around, it seemed that the weather, all dreary and rainy, or the sentimental, sappy, songs on the radio or maybe just the sheer madness of all the craziness out there caused me to become a little melancholy. I began to feel sad, tired, alone and isolated. My mind drifted to thoughts of loved ones and friends that are missing this year. Ones that I love and wish so much were still here to celebrate the joys of the season with were very close to my heart today. I wanted to feel the joy of Christmas coming, but it was lost on me.

I wanted so much to see my grandmother today - just to sit and talk to her - not about anything really, just to sit and chat like we used to over a cup of hot tea. Most of my life I lived away from all my "blood" relations. When I did move back to be near them, the years had made an irrevocable rift, but I still loved my grandmother. I still liked to sit and talk to her and I know she loved me. Today, for some reason, I just wanted her to still be around. I wished that I could drive down to the apartments where she once lived, take the elevator and go for a visit. My mother gave me a candy jar, just yesterday, that once belonged to her - there were silly things inside of it - some earrings, a snippet of newspaper, some change, a safety pin - just items haphazardly thrown in the jar. Mom had meant to pass it along to me a while ago - but yesterday she finally did. Maybe that stirred those emotions in me - I don't know - I just know that it struck me that I do the same thing, I throw my earrings and what-nots in a coffee cup that is on my kitchen counter... must be genetic!

I also saw a yellow lab dog today - it took all the strength I had not to stop the car and run over to bury my face in his sweet, soft neck. I used to do this with my Jake - how I miss that sweet dog, especially at Christmas. He was the rock that got me through a bunch of Christmases past. As all other couples around us were celebrating Christmas joys with their newly born children, we faithfully celebrated each year with our Jake. We shop like maniacs for our sweet Hannah, but we shopped just as much for our Jake all those years. Have you ever seen two people spend hours in a pet store, agonizing over which chewies a dog would like, or which squeaky toy - only to walk out with a buggyfull and hundreds of dollars spent on every kind, just to be sure? We were that couple. Looking back I am so thankful for those times, I know that Jake taught hubby and I the true meaning of unconditional love. He gave and we received it - now we are practicing what he taught us in his too short life with our daughter. I wanted him to be here when I got home today - I cried when I walked in the door and he wasn't. I am crying now as I type this, after 2 years, that pain is not going away.

I wanted my friend Thomas to still be alive today. He was a really great friend. We shared a lot of time together in our twenties. He and I were married on the same day - he in the afternoon and I at night. We spent that morning just hanging out - I will always remember that. He died way too soon - taken from us eight years ago. I will never get over it, not really, I suppose. Just this past August I put his name on an invitation list to our youth group reunion. I guess he is still alive for me in some area of my brain. Today as I drove around town, I missed him. It is funny to me how the things about him that used to annoy me, now, I would give up my arm to be annoyed by again.

I missed my Uncle Nate today. His leaving is still a fresh wound, I guess that is why it hurt even more today. I have no memories of him to revisit in this town, he belongs to another space and place in my world, but I missed the thought that he was alive and well, at home in his world and that part of my life was still intact, not shattered by his homegoing a month ago.

Yes, I was sad today. Maybe that is part of Christmas. Maybe we focus too much on the glitz and glam of the season. There are hurts that are involved in the celebration. There was pain and suffering the night Christ was born. Yes, it is glorious that He came and gave us the gift of salvation. But that night, over 2000 years ago, there was pain and suffering. His mother was scared and gave birth in a stable. His earthly father was no doubt scared and ill-equipped for his part in the plan. I am sure they both were homesick and missing the ones they loved. The shepherds were surely scared by the angels, but before that, were they lonely, afraid of prowling animals or sitting in their fields, grieving losses like I did today? Jesus came to a hurting, scared, lonely world. Christmas is about the celebration of his birth, but I think it is okay to feel the pain of loss, to be sad and remember those we love at this time of year as well. I know for me, it is hand in hand with the joy I know we will experience this year as Christmas day finally rolls around. One of my favorite quotes of all time came from the movie Steel Magnolias. "Laughter through tears, my favorite emotion." That is so true for me, it was today and I know it will be even more true this Christmas day. My hope for you is that you do feel the happy moments of the season, and that you also allow yourself to feel all the other emotions that may arise. It is truly good for your soul!

So, from my home to yours - May your wishes be granted this year, may you hold the ones you love so dear, may the true reason for this wonderful season to your hearts be clear.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Beverly

This blogger is taking a Christmas vacation. See you all back here on New Year's Eve for our Rockin' New Years Eve Blog Open House. Ya'll come back now, ya hear!