Yesterday as I tried to maneuver my way in the new traffic that seems to have invaded my town, I found myself sitting in a lane of traffic for about twenty minutes. During that time, I was privileged to listen some great music of the eighties, such a Journey and Boston and I think there was even some MC Hammer and Hammertime going on. As I sat, patiently - ha, in the line of ever so slowing moving vehicles,I found myself wishing really hard that I was in the Back to The Future Delorean and I could push the button and swish, be sent back in time to January 18,1984. Not only would this eliminate the traffic situation I was in, (that the particular area of town would be so underdeveloped that it would actually be a glade of trees) but I could re-do some events in my life that started out quite nice but ended up in lots of pain and disappointment.
Now, honestly, there are so many things in my life that would not be the same if I could go back, and quite frankly, I do not wish to lose the people and things (and good hair!!) I have collected through these past twenty-four years. But there are a few things that jump out at me when I think of that time in my life and what I would change.
First of all, let me take you back to January, 1984. I was a senior in high school - with enough credits to have graduated early; however, I chose to stay in and enjoy my last bit of high school, taking mostly electives and having a grand old time. In January , 1984 I was a single gal, having just broken up with a boy (and that would be Watermelon Boy, for those of you that are long time readers) and in the midst of a WILD crush on another young man - commonly known as Mask boy to you. I was free. I was not tied to a boy. I had my whole life in front of me. That is the girl I want to go back and chat with. I still see her, every now and then, she shows up in my eyes in the mirror. She was skinny, but thought herself overweight. She was pretty, and yet thought herself the ugly duckling of her group of friends. She loved soap operas and began to think her life needed to be one for her to be happy. She was loved by her parents and close friends, yet, she thought she needed to be loved by only one person in order to be worthwhile.
She had goals and aspirations,but she really didn't know how to dream for herself. She thought her dreams needed to be tied to another person in order for her happiness to be fulfilled.
January, 1984 - I want to go back there. I want to stop myself from being so crazy about a guy, who ultimately would be the one person who has hurt me most in my life. I want to go back and be glad that he was dating someone else, not work hard to get her to break up with him so I could have what was left. I want the phone call that came a week before my dad's 50th birthday party to go unanswered. I want to have had the strength to say no to a date, to have stayed home for the party, to never have gone on that fateful hayride. It sounds dark and mysterious, like something traumatic happened. It didn't, but what followed was a two year relationship, filled with lots of good memories and even more bad. A lifetime of having to learn to trust people again, of re-dreaming my childhood dreams and having to create new ones and new hopes for the future. Two years that has stretched through all this time. Hurt that could have been avoided, should never have been mine to carry. I want to go back and talk to the seventeen year old girl.
The only thing about this type of wish is that I know that the seventeen year old girl would never have listened. She didn't listen to her family and friends then, and I know that this forty+ year old version of herself wouldn't have made a difference either. She was in love - or so she thought, for the first time and there was no reasoning with her.
So, yes, there are times that I sit in my car, hear a song and think about my past. There are times that I write about it on this blog. It seems as if it comes up a lot, truthfully, it has come up a lot lately. I still hear from the two old beaus in this story - sometimes more frequently than I would really like. I guess more than anything, I want to examine my life, the way I grew up, what I thought, how I developed my thought processes as a teen and young adult and learn from it all. As a mom, all I want to do is steer my daughter in the right direction, to see her go down a path that is the best one for her, the one that God would have her follow. I want to shield her from some of my mistakes, bad decisions and misplaced confidence. It is a tall order. I know that it is impossible. I know that pain and heartbreak and disappointment all meld together with happiness and joy in this life and there is no shield that can bounce it away. I think of all the heartbreak others have caused me and I have helped to cause myself and it only makes me value the happiness and love I have now - and I don't want to take that away from her. I just want her to find fulfillment and joy and contentment within herself, in her dreams, in her goals and in the will of the Lord. If that falls in line with a husband and family, great, if not, that is okay too. I want her to have options and all the skills that she needs. I am overwhelmed today by the scope of it all. I am glad I have a few years to worry about it intently.
All in all, my life turned out great - is still turning out great. It is not the life I envisioned. My husband is not the one I would have picked out in 1984. But you know what, God knew better than me - He took care of me on that path I chose, even though looking back, I know it was not His path for me. But He worked it out and turned it around and directed me to the life I have now. My husband is the best, he is not perfect, but he is a great guy. He loves me and our daughter and that is worth more to me than all the gold in the world. I am thankful for 1984. I definitely really don't want to go back and do it all over again. I just want the wisdom to know what to say to my daughter, when she is seventeen and a boy calls for a date. I don't want her to have a "1984" in her past to regret one day.
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