Mommy on the Verge...

I believe that I am possibly on the verge... do you people realize that my baby starts preschool in two days. Yes, that's right - I said two days -- Saturday and Sunday and then MONDAY will be here. Oh lordy bee, gracious sakes and good gravy train all rolled into one. The unknown has never been my friend, and this is no easy one -- will she like it? Will she behave? Will I be okay? Questions running through my mind non-stop --NON-STOP I tell ya. I haven't had a night's sleep in three days.

The logical part of me says she will be fine, she will love it and yes, I will be okay. I might find that I actually can get some things accomplished, like developing the pictures on my camera card from Halloween, or having lunch with a girlfriend, or finally mailing that package of Christmas gifts that is still sitting in my dining room. But the mommy part of me is scared to death, gripping on for dear life, trying to block out the inevitable fact that no matter what parents try to do, babies grow into toddlers, toddlers into little kids and little kids grow bigger and bigger everyday until they are out the door!

THEN...

I still wish Hannah called an apple a "babu" and thought the Wiggles were the greatest thing since... well, since anything. I want her to be too small to reach the countertops or too little to even walk, only crawl like a marine on night maneuvers across the living room floor. I still want her to wear diapers so I get to change them one thousand times a day. I long for the days when she was too little to slide down the slide on her own - too scared to even try and she would fall forward in the toddler swing without a towel behind her to prop her up.

AND NOW...

I know most good mothers want their children to reach milestones, I on the other hand totally dislike the fact that she can open the fridge and get her own drink, and I hate it when she peels a banana on her own. I cringe when she opens a drawer and gets her own spoon, and I want to keel over when I see her turn somersaults across the floor. The thought that her bathroom habits are now completely her own, disrupts my world like you wouldn't believe and even now as I sit and type, watching her play on her own in the backyard is breaking my heart in two!

Monday is coming - no way to stop it. I didn't plan on her leaving me for preschool this soon - but I think God had a different plan. Here is what I am learning through it all, God is at work in her life too - even as a baby He was, but now He is directing her life and even though I was busy making my own plans for her, He was up to something else. I have to learn to let go and keep surrendering her to Him everyday - it is a hard thing- hard to learn, harder still to live.