You know, I have been using this blog over the past year and a half to be my journal, my friend, my sounding board, my CHEAP therapy, my way of reaching out to the world and letting people get to know me. Most of the time the stories are funny, (hopefully, when they are meant to be!) and sometimes maybe a bit insightful(not my opinion, but your feedback tells me that!) but today, today is one of those therapy days I guess. Just a bit of warning...feel free to skip today's post!
Can I be BRUTALLY honest with you? I am mad! I sat in Sunday School last week and listened to my former Sunday School teacher talk about a crisis of faith he had been through recently. I sat and listened intently, cause you know what folks... I AM THERE!! I have been there for awhile, but just lately -- I feel like I am in full-blown mode. There are things in my life, personal stuff that I of course will not share here, but just several things over the past six months that have caused me to doubt, to rail against all I know, to question everything I believe, to scream at the heavens and take long car rides through the night trying to figure out what, if anything, I can possibly learn from the lessons being thrown at me. It is hurtful. I am angry at a lot of different situations right now. Scared, hurt and ANGRY!
I guess I wanted to share it because, well, I NEED to share it. I have to begin the process of lifting this burden from my life and here, in this space is where I best do that. It is funny to me that someone who nine months ago was writing devotionals for another web site is now sitting here questioning God and all I have ever held as true. I guess in all honesty, I am not questioning God as a being -- I believe Him, in Him, in His Son, I believe it all - I know my salvation is secure... what I don't understand is some of the workings of His will... and I guess I am not meant to, but a glimmer of something would be nice.
I am at the stage in life where mid-life crisis normally occurs. Maybe this is it? I just feel like I need about a week at the beach - ALONE, just sitting and thinking and reorganizing my troubled mind...ever feel that way? I really don't think I am alone in all of this, I know God is just waiting on me...I feel like maybe this is curve in the road, maybe soon I can report back to you on all I have been going through and how it is being used for His glory-I really hope so. Until then, if this blog seems morose, or not such a happy place, I hope you will forgive me and read it with an understanding heart. If any of you have been in this place I am currently residing and have any fresh words of wisdom, I would LOVE to hear them!
Thanks for the support -- I know you all are out there and just knowing that will help me - I am sure of it.
5 comments:
Remember that Jesus promised He would not leave us comfortless. I hold on to that tightly - through my stroke and recovery, through Daddy's cancer, and through the normal garbage of life. I know it is not MY will, but THY will. SO even though the path is difficult, I know I have the comfort of His presence. Questioning is good - cathartic, in fact. In questioning our very foundations of faith, we can sometimes become deeper believers; more insightful from having survived the journey. You are not alone. You are loved. Life is not always kind, easy, joyous, celebratory. But you are not alone.....He will not leave you comfortless. I love you gal!!
Thanks! Sweet words I will reflect on in the bumpier moments!! I love ya too!
No words of wisdom but will say that I will lift you up in prayer!
I agree with the things your friend said in the first comment. Those bumpy times that make us question can also be those very times that we grasped yet another part of His character that we formerly did not "get" - learning along the way, you know.
Keep questioning, keep seeking and keep reaching out. To Him and to others who can hold up your arms when you are tired! Praying for you!!!!
Thanks to all for your sweet comments. I know that this is temporary - I am hanging on and getting better, minute by minute!!
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