I'm Fine, No Really...

"I’m fine."

Ever say that and know that it is not the truth? I did it on Friday. What is it about those little words that make us think we can just gloss over all the ick in our lives; the bad mood, the lack of sleep, the breaking heart, the frustration and irritations that arise every day? Someone dear to us asks us “How are you?” and we say, “I’m fine.”

If you are like me you say it and immediately follow up with a brush of your hand in the air, as if to say “all is well, let’s move on to another subject, cause my life is just not worth your time to talk about and if I tell you the truth you will think I am a wacko anyway….” I am the queen of this – trust me. And you know what, most of the time people let me get away with it. They will move on to another subject, they will accept my lie and take comfort in the fact that I am okay so I can listen and help them with their problems. I can’t get mad at them…I can only kick myself.

Friday at lunch, I was asked the question and I gave my standard remark- only this time – I was countered. I was told I was a liar. My friend was saying this in a loving way, just wanting me to talk to them and tell them how I REALLY was, but later I was thinking about it and realized my friend is right. I am a liar.

Now, this is not news to me – I am quite confident of my ability in this area. Most of the time I am brutally honest, quick to tell my friends the truth of their lives but if it is something personal, and important to me, to my heart (or heartbreak) I tend to clam up. I fear letting people know the real parts of me, the ugly humanness that really is the very part of me I need to reveal in order to be an authentic person. I don’t like to reach out and ask someone for help. I don’t like to feel weak and vulnerable; I like to be the one people run to for help, not the one running to seek it out.

I realized later on that even though I initially held back the truth of my life, it did eek it’s way out in the afternoon’s conversation. I did let some of it come through, although I know and so does my friend, that I held back a lot and didn’t share most of what needed saying. It was from fear of looking too weak; it was not from fear of trusting this person with my truth. I would trust them with my life.

I am taking baby steps in the direction of being “real” in my life. I thought at this point in the journey I would have reached it – but it seems I am only just starting the trip. If I have reached out to you in the past few weeks, you need to know just how much trust and love I have for you – it is not easy for me to do. For you who have reached back a hand and held onto me through my current storm, thank you.

I promise next time you ask, I will tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Living Happily in the Moment!
Bev