Let Me Introduce You...

What is it about my birthday that stirs up everything in my mind? I wrote yesterday that I feel like a trunk in the attic, well, today I feel like a pot on the stove...all stirred up.

I woke up this morning, after a night of tossing and turning and realized I missed someone, some people. Not just one, there are three that I miss. Three people I never got to know and for some reason today I want to see them, spend time with them, share them with my friends.

They are my babies. They were never born, at least not in the traditionally way, they actually escaped this world before they were born and I believe they are in Heaven, waiting on me. One day, I will meet them and know them but that doesn't stop me from wondering what they would be like here, if they were all with me now. My instinct tells me that I was destined to be a mom to girls, even though as far back as I remember I only wanted boys. Each pregnancy felt like a girl, even though modern technology had not yet confirm pink or blue...in my mind and heart, they all are girls.

My firstborn would be a young woman by now, I don't have to stretch the imagination to see her, dark hair and eyes, pretty, a personality that draws people in. The best of me and her dad. In my mind, she would be friendly and fun, impulsive, but smart, and lots of friends. I see her cousins and I can see how she would easily fit in the picture, the oldest of the grandkids. Family connections too obvious to deny. I have no doubt that she would be a reader, maybe enjoy writing like her mom and given my love of music I would hope she enjoyed playing it as well as hearing it. I hope, as I hope with Hannah, that I would have passed down the love of music to her. I played the piano a lot back then... I think she would have been born with a rhythm in her soul. She would be poised to take on the world about now, striving for independence, almost ready to jump out on her own and yet still not old enough to make it without me. She would be my shopping buddy, we could wear each other's shoes and try out makeup together. I miss the things I would have learned from her through all these years and the people she would have brought into my life. I miss knowing what kind of mom I would have been back then when I was a younger chick. Would I have been more patient, more fun to be with? I look at her dad and wonder what kind of father he would have been to a little girl then. I have a feeling it would have all worked out...somehow we would have all grown up a bit together.

Would she struggle in school, make straight A's, become a cheerleader or a computer geek? Would I have attended many school drama plays by now or would she have been more the newspaper and yearbook type of kid? Would she have experienced her first love by now or been smarter than me and stayed away from the trap of falling for one boy too soon?

If she were living here with me today, I think my house would be crazy...as I am positive my house will be when my sweet Hannah reaches that age and things really start to get interesting around here!

My second baby, I see as a girlie girl. Dressy and prissy and doted on by all of us...a few years behind the first girl and yet, I see the two of them growing up and playing together, close like sisters should be. She would be fairer...lighter hair and lighter eyes, delicate and funny, sweet and kind. Quiet, I see her as quiet...not really shy, just an observer of the world, watching it all carefully before jumping in, more like her father than me. She would enjoy playing on her own, but love spending time with her family as well. Today she would be a teenager, I wonder about her in school. I think she would have friends, just maybe a few really close ones, not the whole school. I see her as smart, especially in math and science -- and she would get that from her dad - not me!

I miss her face, the way it would fit into the family picture, her tiny features and sweet smile. I miss the stories she would tell us at dinner time and the things she could teach me about the world.

The last one, lost late last year, I only knew of "her" for a few days, but still when I think of the addition to our family, it is a girl I see. I haven't imagined her yet, mainly because today, on the eve of my birthday, she would not have been born yet...her description will just have to wait.

I have lost babies, and because of that I have lost experiences and love and people that they would have brought into my life. I know their birthdays, the day I lost each of them and how old they would be today. I see children their ages and wonder how different my life would be if I had people that age living with me now. There is sadness in all of this loss, but there is happiness as well. I know I will see them again, my questions will all be answered. I don't understand how or why, but I cling to that hope. And God, in His grace gave me a daughter...not of my blood, not born of me, but she is mine nonetheless. She is like me in so many ways, and she brings so much happiness and joy to my life it would be difficult to describe it. Through the gift of her, I will experience all that was lost with my babies. I am grateful and humbled and thankful for that gift. I never take it for granted, not one single day.

Living Happily In the Moment,
Bev