Goodness

For I am convinced that I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.  Psalm 27:13

This verse has been rattling around in my heart for a bit of time. I've never really known why, something about it just appealed to me...appealed to the part of the me that is stubborn and refuses to give up hope.

You see, for months I have been trying to beg a miracle down from heaven. I've had hope and lost hope over and over. That's the way of life when one loves an addict and deals with their addiction. I've used this verse as a deposit for the future, when my beautiful, lost husband would find his way back from the darkness and home to all our goodness...in the land of the living.

But now.
Now, I view this verse totally different.

Yesterday was a cold November rain kind of day. I spent time in the presence of utter darkness and evil. I found myself in the physical place where my husband made his last REALLY bad decision. I found the shambles of his life, remnants of our life and pieces; vile, disgusting, ugly pieces, to a puzzle I will never get to completely put together.

This place, this physical location could be a visual snapshot of his inner turmoil. Lost, alone, shattered, filled with chaos, stale, sad, uninhabitable.  The darkness that had kept him trapped for so long, that darkness that engulfed him on the Bad Wednesday, that darkness called out to me. It taunted me, tripped me, struggled with me and tried to trap me like it did his sweet soul. This was no special effect in a Hollywood movie, this was real.

My mind raced last night as I thought about the events of the day. My mind settled when I thought about this verse.

I had experienced darkness and destruction in the land of death BUT I was rescued. I was pulled back. Two of my dearest friends patiently, cautiously, lovingly helped me walk back into the light until I saw the goodness of the LORD, literally, in the land of the living.

I wish the same had been true for my husband. His struggle with the dark ended differently but his struggle is  now over. He is home. He is safe. He is experiencing the REAL goodness of the LORD in the land of the EVER-living.  Because of that I sleep blessed tonight, as I have every night, since the Awful Saturday.

This I know...no matter what your land of destruction or your darkness...I beg you to claim this verse - be CONVINCED that you will see the goodness of the LORD...because you will.

~Beverly