One day I am going to publish all of this in a book. And in that book there is going to be a whole chapter on October 1st. Here's your advance copy of that chapter. Your Welcome. You may pay as you exit.
October has always been one of my favorite times of year. I love the change in season, the colors are all in my palette and I think the skies are more blue in October than the whole year. Maybe it is just that contradiction of dead and dying trees up against the blue that makes it so vivid. Whatever the reason, I love October.
Well, at least until October 2018.
I woke up on Monday, October 1, 2018 not knowing that by the end of the month my life would be wholly and completely changed. I think I just woke up and thought - "oh good... October!"
It was a regular day. Well, nothing in our life was regular back then. My alcoholic husband was living in Texas for work, wrecking havoc on our life through the phone most every day. My family life was in chaos and I was spending all my energy trying to shield my daughter from it all. I was a duck -- calm on the top and paddling like the devil on the bottom. I would spend hours with my friends while my girl was in school - crying and trying to reason away his dastardly behavior and then pull it together to give my daughter some normalcy through the afternoon and evening. Night time would come and he would begin his telephone campaign of terror - or worse - crying jags as he filled his body with beer and poisoned his mind. It was a horrible time in my life.
But on October 1st of 2018, around 6 pm I got a phone call from a friend. A life long friend. Someone I love and admire deeply. He was aware of my situation, as we had talked previously a few weeks before. He works outside - and had spent that day at the Savannah River Site doing work. My husband used to work there and that fact seems to have brought my family to my friend's mind the whole day. Anyway, T. called me to tell me some things God had laid on his heart while he was working that day.
I started listening and then I grabbed a pen -- cause it just seemed like God was speaking right through the phone. It was the story of Daniel (coincidence -- no, I don't think so) and his friends,Shadrack, Meschach and Abednego.(Daniel 3:13:28) If you've been in Sunday School as a child, you will recognize the story the the young men who refused to bow to the statue of the king and were thrown into the fiery furnace. I knew the story -- but I had never really thought about the point that T brought out. Yes, they were thrown in the fire, they were saved from the fire, Jesus was with them in the fire - but also they didn't even smell like smoke when they were brought out. So - they were in the fire - felt the heat, felt the fear, but they were not smokey when they came out. No one would even know they had been through that experience. It resonated with me so deeply that night. I wrote it in my journal, I underlined in my Bible. I thought about it all night. T had said God told him that my child and I would be okay. We would survive what we were going through. We would not carry the smoke of this horrific fire in my family into our future. I think I've lived on that truth for the past year.
You see, October 1 was the beginning of the month in which my husband died. Died by his own hand on October 27th. God gave me that truth at the beginning of the month for a purpose, I'm sure of it. While life was painful and many times I doubted whether I could get through it or not, I clung to the thought that I was not alone in the fire and I would not carry the trauma (smell of the fire) with me into the future.
It is an extraordinary thought when you are raising a child. Many nights I prayed that God would wipe her memory clean of some of the horrible things she witnessed. Things that would harm her future relationships with a men, her view of what a father should be, her view of what marriage should look like, her view of fidelity and honesty and integrity. The thought that God could keep the smell of smoke off her - it was my thread of hope. I also secretly held it for me too... that I could survive and still go on to live a happy life.That I could find someone to share love and life with again..
October came and I became a widow. Life in the last year has been a mesh of struggle and chaos and grief and pain and heartbreaking facts of life and yet the Lord has been so good to me. He has been so kind, so gently moving me forward. The people in my life are a huge blessing to me. I lay down in peace most every night. I know people are praying for me and loving me from a far. I know that my God is in my tomorrow and has been working a way for my good this whole time. I have faith, I don't doubt and I don't fear.
On Tuesday of this week, the calendar turned to October 1st. I sat with my Bible and re-read the passages from last October 1st and marveled over the Lord's handprints all over my world. It was amazing to see how he used my friend to prepare me for what was coming. As I sat and thought about it all, my phone dinged with a message. It was from a friend - not a close friend, maybe I haven't even seen her in years - but Facebook has kept us in each other's broadest circle. She knew from a morning's post that October had started for me and I was fearful of the memories. She sent me a song. I',m going to put it here - but y'all --- this girl had NO WAY to know of my connection to this... NONE. I don't recall ever sharing the above story with anyone.
Here's the song.
https://youtu.be/zmNc0L7Ac5c
It is by Hillsong - called Another in the Fire. I encourage you to listen.
Y'all, how good is God? What a reminder to me as I look forward to moving through this terrifying month. He never misses a detail. I am so undone over His love for me and my daughter.
Thank you to those of you who feel a tug from God and make an effort to reach out to me. Happened last night - when I struggled for sleep and finally found it at 3 AM. When I woke up at 5:45 and looked at Facebook, a friend had been on at 3 and posted I was on her mind and she was praying. So I slept while she talked to God about me and for me. It is the details that show His glory. There are no coincidences.
But God.
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