Thoughts at 4:44 AM

I love it when God wakes me up. Most of the time He uses the dog...but I just know when it is Him.  The time is always a clue... this morning it was 4:44. Only God does things like that... my dog would have done it at 4:53 or some other random odd number!

He woke me up and as I lay on the couch waiting for the dog to come back inside, my brain, still sleepy and cobwebbed, suddenly exploded with this verse. " Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me"  That's from Psalm 23.  I memorized it as a child - thus all the King Jamesy words...

Earlier this year I did a study of Psalm 23 - I love the chapter. Everyone does. But why this portion of it - THIS morning? Only God can do that too --- this is Monday. Monday of the week that was and is the shadow of death for me. One year ago today I was counting on my husband being brought home to me to go to rehab. His room was being made ready - they were expecting him on Sunday. He didn't show up. So Monday formed a new plan. He was coming. He knew people were coming to get him. The plan was clear.  I spent Monday praying. I spent Monday writing a resume and starting a job search. It's what you do when your husband goes to rehab for probably 3 months. 
But I had confidence that all was gonna be fine. I knew God was in control.  I didn't fear on Monday. That came on Wednesday. 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. 

These words became so real to me - I lived it out. This morning,at 4:44 they were real to me but as a memory of that week I lived last year.

I let the dog in, stumbled back to bed and couldn't sleep.  I picked up my phone and started my morning facebook scan. A friend posted a song - something that meant something to her. I looked at the posted youtube video --- it was Psalm 23 - by The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. Subtitled - Surely Goodness and Mercy.  I hit the play button. Pretty song.. and then... for almost 2 minutes throughout the song.... called Surely Goodness and Mercy... one phrase was repeated, over and over and over and over again... guess what it was.... yep!  You play along well... it was this....

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, You are with me.

But God. He gave me the verse and then just for fun and confirmation it was HE that woke me up at 4:44... He put that song in my facebook feed. 

I walk into this week with NO fear. I am not afraid of Wednesday, or Thursday, or Friday or Saturday or the 1 year anniversary which falls on Sunday. The devil has lost. They are days on the calendar and they MARK my life and my daughter's life in a significant way. I don't want to sugarcoat that this week holds pain. BUT GOD -- He is in all of our tomorrows. He was there last year. He is still here today. No fear, No chaos, There is peace and calm and order in our world this year.  I'm sorry my husband decided to take his own life. I'm sad that he didn't get the help he needed and deserved. I'm sorry that he didn't feel the love Hannah and I had for him. Those feelings will never change. But the rest of it... I've let it go. I've sat and watched God work in and through it all for a year. He has turned the page in my life and is writing a whole new story. He is doing the same for my child. We are healing and dare say, we are happy.

God is a good, all the time. Even when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Hide behind Him...the valley will end, the sun will come out and the clouds will blow away and you will be facing a heavenly day... I know because I've done it, I've lived it and I'm waking up to a heavenly, heavenly day.

But GOD!

Marked Happy in this Moment! 
~Beverly