Questions without Answers Part 1

I don’t know all the things I should about the last two weeks of my husband’s life.

But one thing I do know… on Sunday, October 14^th – he went to church. 

After his death, when I got his camper back and all the things inside of it… all the clues you might say, I found a bulletin. It was from a church not far from where he lived. It was a church I had asked him to attend – many times. I had done a web search and thought it would be great for him. I knew he had gone.. or at least he had told that he visited it on that day – but concrete proof didn’t come for weeks later after he died. It was just one more clue in a long line of clues that really never add up to much, that I can make sense of, anyway.

So, I know he went to church – and a week and a half later he took his life.

What does it mean?

Did he go to church seeking resolution for what he was about to do?  Did he go to seek the Lord and gain forgiveness, restoration, help? Did anyone talk to him that day? Was he just alone on the pew? What was the sermon about? What songs did they sing?  Did anyone know that someone that troubled was in their midst?

These are the thoughts I struggled with this morning while I was in church. All I could think about was this time last year he was in a sanctuary – in a church – and yet it didn’t help. The answers to my questions will NEVER come. I hurt so much at the thought of him in a church alone and not getting reached. 

It is selfish of me… truly and I don’t cast one minute of anger at the congregation of Victory Baptist in Brazoria, TX.  They are not the focus of this writing. This is an inward focus. An examination of my heart. The only thing I want to take from it is an OVERWHELMING recognition of the fact that as we sit in our sweet churches, with our friends, listening to jam up worship music and a great sermon – we should also take note of the people around us who we don’t know. We need to keep in our mind that sometimes, often times, there are people who wander in for various reasons and need something they may not even know they need…and it could be life or death for them.

I’ll never get it out of my head. I don’t want to. I want to be the one that reaches out. I want to keep it at the fore front of my heart. If someone had reached out – maybe, just maybe it would have made all the difference in my husband’s life – I’ll never know. 

But I will always live with the question.