I look happy. I can tell you that was a complete lie.
Two months prior to this picture, I had listened as my husband of 26 years committed death by suicide while on the phone with me, over 847 miles away. The helplessness and powerlessness of that moment will shape me for the rest of my life.
In this picture, I was still in shock. I was scared to death. I was crushed, broken, humiliated, and desperately wanting to join him except for the love of my daughter.
Whether I was prepared or not...2019 came... I sought help through friends and a Godly counselor. I got help for my struggling daughter. I learned how to live with my elderly father in a nursing home. I learned I could do a little work. I learned I could push past pain and smile and even laugh with my child. I learned to put some new traditions in place of the old ones. I learned that most people are good - with good hearts and generous spirits. I learned who I could allow in my life and who had to be let go. I learned that letting go was okay. I learned to care about myself and my daughter and to put up a wall where one needed to be. And I learned to face some fears.
Somewhere in there I began to feel the real loneliness of widowhood. I have friends; my child; but I missed a hand to hold. I didn't think anyone would ever hold my hand again, but I got the courage to try or at least to open myself up to the possibility that one day someone would come and not see my crazy hot mess but see someone worth loving.
I gave my sweet friends multiple heart attacks -- I know I did. They were constantly stalking and researching anyone I happened to even mention as a candidate. They put me on their Life360 accounts...certain I was going to meet with doom in the parking lot of Outback. It was funny --- I loved them all for it.
I met a nice guy or two... and I did find someone I liked and he liked me back. It seemed possible that love could find this girl again. But alas, it just didn't work out --- the Hallmark movie ended before it began --- and my heart got bruised.
So, I decided I had enough heartbreak -- considered myself glad that it was only a bruise this time. That Texan boy, he taught me about baseball, introduced me to some movies I had never seen, He taught me to "Clear the Mechanism" and "make room for the Holy Ghost". He helped me figure out just who I needed in my life. He helped me hone in on the qualities I was really looking for in a partner and he helped me get through October. I am forever grateful and I want him to be happy and well.
But as for finding someone... I was done. I decided to put up my Christmas tree and jump into December fun - dating experiment over. I shut down the online profile. Decided dating was just not for me. I resigned to being happy with my kiddo and the cats.
So, today is December 30, 2019. I am waking up to see that memory on my facebook account from this day last year. I have laid in the bed thinking of all the things I learned in 2019. It was a scary year, full of new struggles, old pain, a new church, new friends, and a few accomplishments. It's been different than I thought 2019 would be -- but I can look back and be thankful for all that I learned. The good and bad... it has all brought me here.
And here is pretty good. I woke up staring at red roses. They are beautiful. There are 12 of them... one for each month of the year. They are hope. Hope for 2020. Hope for some happiness, hope for peace, hope for fun, hope for comfort, and hope for genuine love in my life. I don't know if I've ever known it before. I hope I find out!
Happy New Year 's Adam!
December 30, 2019
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