One Month

One month.
Yesterday was the mark of one month since the Bad Wednesday. The day he choose to end his life by suicide.  I will say that hitting the one month mark was surprisingly traumatic for me.

I haven't functioned well, not yesterday,not today. I have been snippy, snotty, aggravated, and the resolve to find purpose as I have wished in my former posts has gone out the window.

Today I was sent a text by someone I love dearly extolling my virtues of coming through this time so well. I literally sat in my bed (it was 2 PM!)  and laughed until I cried. Today I am so the opposite of her sweet words. I can't find my God today. I can't find my joy in all circumstances today. I don't have any inspiring quotes or thoughts in my foggy widow's brain today.

Today I woke up and watched Netflix until I felt like such a loser that I got out of bed and took a shower. That was so exhausting that I immediately climbed back into bed and continued my Netflix and chill day. Where was my child you may ask? Home, here with her sorry excuse of a mom. She was combing the cabinets for something to eat, showering on her own and tending to the animals.

I just couldn't do anything. I felt heavy. Overwhelmed with emotion and I couldn't even separate and name the emotions...they were just "ON" my person. I guess I am due this time. This let down, this momentary grief episode. I just feel bad for giving in. Although as I just typed that I realized I didn't give in...I was literally run over by it...with no option but to lay there and let it roll over me.

Tomorrow will be another day. I can only guess that I will have a better moment...perhaps I just needed a day to process and work through ...maybe I'll need this every month until...

I make Facebook sad on days like yesterday and today and I'm sure I've made some readers sad with this post. But this is my honest place. You come to visit here and you will get all of it...good,bad and ugly!

~Beverly