In matters of the heart I had been through it - I had been engaged, cheated on and left for another. I had been broken hearted and desperate and sad and lonely. I had tried to smile as those around me met and married and started families. I had prayed for a good man, I begged God for someone to love, someone to start a family with and rock through old age with.
So on the morning of May 16, 1992 I woke up knowing that by the time the day was over I would have all that I had longed for - a husband and a new last name. I would belong. I would be starting a new life. I would be...safe.
I laugh at that girl today. I want to hug her and then slap her.
I wasn't safe. I may have had a new last name, a partner, even a new life, but safe. No! None of that ever made me safe.
Marriage and a family did not exempt me from the troubles of this world. Having a husband did not make the bad times suddenly rush from my path, just as having a wife didn't make my husband immune from trouble. Life from that day forward was filled with happy times, sad days, gain, loss, riches, poverty, better... and worse.
Life taught me many lessons over the 26 years I was married. This time last year I was in the throes of a fight for my marriage, my man's mental health, my child's future and everything in my life was in an upheaval. It was horrific. The death of the life I knew, the life that we had built was heart-wrenching. I fought a real battle. I was scared and felt unsafe every day of 2018.
This May 16th, I am waking up as a widow. MUCH too soon. I am feeling the loss of my old life in a way that is desperately hard to describe. I am sad but I am also contemplative.
I don't know if I will ever find someone else to love, someone to share the rest of my life with, someone to grow (even) older with... but I starting to hope I will. I think I am happiest with someone in my life. What I know today that I didn't know then though is simply this... my safety is in the Lord, my hope is in the Lord, my foundation is in the Lord. I'm totally different than I have ever been. I know today that I am safe. Really safe. Held and secured by Jesus. He's real folks, He's done so much for me. I hope you know Him...or at least will let me tell you what I know about Him if you don't.
Happy Anniversary in heaven, baby - I know we aren't married any more... but I can't think of this day and not think of all we had - eat some carrot cake, drink some sweet tea and pet Jake for me...
Living Happily in the Moment,
Beverly
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