Haunted

I still hear that woman screaming. 

She was standing in her kitchen, and everything was okay and then she was screaming. She hasn't stopped for almost two years. Sometimes the volume is turned down and I can't hear her. Sometimes I hear her and play music or speak softly to her to soothe her. But there are times the volume is up and she just cries and screams. 

That woman is me. The me of 2018. The me who woke up on Wednesday, October 24th to a somewhat normal day. The me who picked up a phone call from her husband only to have him take his own life on the other end of that phone line. 

It was the first out of body experience I've ever had - but I have a distinct memory of looking at myself from a distance, me, screaming into the phone... standing outside my garage wearing my Blessed Beyond Measure shirt - begging him and begging God. I was begging for me, begging for my daughter, begging for my whole world to not be destroyed. 

It didn't work. The horror didn't stop that day. The trip to Texas was about to take place and the plane was going to fly and the rain was going to come and the terror of walking into an ICU room was going to happen and death was going to meet me in room 3111 three days later and change EVERYTHING. 

That woman is probably never going away. She woke me up tonight -- screaming and begging. I am haunted by her. No matter how far I may have come since 8:50 AM on Wednesday, October 24, 2018, she is always there in the back of my soul. I try to calm her down most days...other times, like tonight - I just let her howl.